Ten Things To Know When You Are Dating As A Single Mother

There are ten things you need to know when you are dating as a single mother. Know these things and know happiness and peace. 

The general assumption is that dating as a single mother can be complicated and not as straightforward as that of a single lady.

However, if you pay attention to the points raised in this article, dating as a single mother will become easier and more enjoyable.

A few years after having her second child, Tokunbo (not real name) decided that it was enough with Shokunbi (no real name).

She had tolerated Shokunbi’s lies, cheating and abuse for too long. He would often disappear for weeks whenever he had money only to reappear when broke. 

When hopes that Shokunbi would change never materialized, Tokunbo called it quits. 

After a while, she started dating another man, but it didn’t work out. In a span of three years, she got involved in three relationships, all of which failed. 

This story raises an important question: How and when should a single mom start dating? 

Many single mothers go back to dating before they dispose of the negativities from their previous relationships, and this often turns disastrous.

Tokunbo, who now has 2 children and is in a stable, 6-year-old relationship, admits that she got into relationships before she reconciled with her ugly past.

She was ill-prepared to handle men after her experience with Shokunbi, which had made her “unnecessarily paranoid.” 

Consequently, she carried toxicities that suffocated her potential relationships.

Only after she read motivational books, listened to relationship podcasts and had to rediscover herself by realizing the damage she was bringing to her relationships.

It is of paramount importance to forgive yourself and make peace with your past before starting new relationships.

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https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a28843699/dating-a-single-mom/

Here are the ten things you need to know when you are dating as a single mother:

1. Change Your Mindset

Women, especially, often carry negative mentalities of broken marriage/relationships to their new relationships. 

Being a single mom, it is very difficult to avoid scepticism and negativity when in a new relationship based on experience. 

In Tokunbo’s case, she subconsciously expected the men she dated to start behaving like Shokunbi and, therefore, never opened up completely to them.

Consequently, she kept emotions to herself and acted rather defensively towards new love interests. 

She got triggered and suspicious by the least of things, such as when they failed to answer calls or forgot to pick something from the grocery store.

This cycle of coldness and distrust, therefore, impeded her relationships.

2. Managing Children with a New Relationship

Having your children all the time and bringing them with you everywhere you go may sound like the best thing, however, this may be counterproductive to a relationship.

Tokunbo explains that the first man she dated after Gabriel complained a lot about her obsessiveness with her children. 

Looking back, she feels that the young ones took too much of her attention to the extent that she had none left for men. 

She could have appointed someone responsible to watch the children for a few hours once in a while as she took a break to be with her boyfriend.

It is crucial to get a man with who your children are comfortable and vice versa. 

That said, once in a while, you need to create time for yourself and your man away from the children. 

All men need attention, even if many may not openly admit this. 

Going on dates with children all the time denies a partner your full attention, and this may cause dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Therefore, while it is important to give priority to the young ones, create time to bond with your man as well. 

3. Come Correct

Relationships work if you approach them correctly. 

As a single mother, adopting a positive mindset about men is crucial and so is creating time off your busy nursing routine to attend to your man. 

It is also imperative to have your guards on while dating because you never know but always put on a positive mindset, expecting and looking forward to positive outcomes.

Look forward to a successful story or a happy ending. Do not let negative expectations hinder you from investing in a good relationship or being happy.

Most men are genuinely good and all they want is someone who reciprocates their trust. 

Most importantly, build your confidence before starting to date.

4. Ride Over Your Past

Ride over your past darling. Don’t let failures of your past erode your today. Very important.

Motherhood is like on-job training and education with a lack of manual on how to be a good mother.

The perfect mom does not exist. 

Do your best while trying to achieve perfection.

 Everyone has regrets, some people regret what they did and some regret what they could have done to avoid their current situation.

 Psychology teaches that regret is a negative cognitive or emotional state that manifests in blaming oneself for an outcome considered to be bad.

It also teaches feeling a sense of loss or sorrow for what might have been, or in wishing you could undo a choice that a person made in the past.

5. Blame, Shame, Guilt

Interestingly, almost everyone experiences regret but most single moms experience regrets in parenting than single dads.

No shades at all.

It is normal to experience guilt.

 Guilt is good because it makes one question their actions.

 It can also help moms focus on becoming more responsible as a parent. But excessive rumination can also have long term damaging results in motherhood. 

You want to be careful of the length of blame/guilt you put on yourself.

6. Understanding Your Mistakes

Many people go through hardships due to past mistakes. 

It is important to understand the source of your remorse and to acknowledge the reason for doing what you did, or what you did not do.

7. Take Time to Grieve

Accepting the consequences of your or your partner’s actions. 

You need to grieve the regrets that are presently holding you hostage. Also, if you feel that you mistakenly missed out on an opportunity because of past decisions, take the time to grieve that loss.

 If it’s not too late to alter the feeling of regret by taking some action like reconciliation, then it’s better to take that opportunity as soon as possible. 

Sometimes people get opportunities to apologize and move on, or start over but fail to take advantage of them. If there is something you can do now, do it now, do not wait!

8. Express Your Feelings

Bring these swarming, remorseful feelings out of your head and onto a piece of paper or a journal.

 Sometimes, writing your emotions on a piece of paper that you can later burn by yourself can be oddly satisfying. 

Understand that worrying too much about the past is a potent prescription for stress and health problems in the long run.

 Do not make guilty feelings more powerful by your fixation on them.

 It’s quite straightforward- You have to be good to yourself.

9. Accept Your Past Mistakes and Learn

Some regrets can be devastating, but remember that there is no “undo” button for past actions or inactions.

Try to find the lessons from that situation and think of the current options that you have. 

Make changes in your behaviour to avoid similar faults in the future.

Do not lose the lesson learned from the supposed mistakes because the lesson learned is the gain and the most important part from past mistakes. 

Consider what you could do differently today, and start moving that way.

10. The Positive Side of Regret

Guilt is a tool that our brain uses to send a message that you must analyze your choices and avoid unpleasant or destructive outcomes.

As a mom, it is wise to use this tool to your advantage.

 Life with no regrets is a life without valuable lessons, and this might immerse one into a cycle of one mistake after the other.

The more lessons you learn, the more experienced you become. Additionally, it is good to note that now you have a purpose that is bigger than you. 

Having a child or children is enough reason to look at embracing positivity in your circumstances.

Love, light and best wishes.