The article presents eight practical tips for nurturing an emotionally balanced boy.
It attempts to facilitate the process of converting boys into balanced men.
It’s typically between the ages of nine and twelve that our cute, cuddly little children, once so willing to climb onto our laps and share their secrets, suddenly want little or nothing to do with us.
A child in pre-adolescence is not the same person he was just a year or two ago.
He has changed—physically, cognitively, emotionally, and socially.
He’s developing new independence and may even want to see how far he can push limits set by his parents.
What he may not know is that he needs you as much as ever, because a strong parent-child relationship now can set the stage for much less turbulent adolescence.
However, it won’t be easy because you as a parent, need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy.
This is important to forge a successful relationship with this “updated” version of your child.
You need to respect your child’s need for greater autonomy to forge such a valued relationship.
Oftentimes, the things we hear about boys and men are negative.
It’s hard not to worry and the constant “boys will be boys” messages make me question whether certain troublesome behaviours and attitudes are just part of the male makeup.
Experts say the answer to that is “No”: Boys’ behaviours are more cultural than biological.
“Parents, relatives, peers, teachers, and the media send messages to boys that they should be tough, unemotional, competitive, strong, and powerful,” says Emily a sociologist.
Fortunately, since many of these behaviours are learned, there are things we parents can do to help guide our boys into becoming good men.
Here are eight practical steps for nurturing an emotionally balanced boy that would grow up to become the best version of themselves.
- Eschew Rejection
Don’t feel rejected by your boy’s newfound independence.
It’s appropriate for boys this age to start turning away from their parents and relying more and more on friends, but parents can take their pre-teen’s withdrawal as rejection if care is not taken.
All too often, parents personalise some of the distance that occurs and misinterprets it as a willful refusal or maybe oppositional behaviour.
Beware of trying to force information out of a resistant tween.
“This is a time when children start to have secrets from us, and parents tend to have a low tolerance toward that transition.
They want to know everything and may end up alienating their children by being too inquisitive.”
- Set Quality Time Aside
Set aside quality time to spend with your boy child (girls are not left alone too but choose different timing).
It’s often tough to get pre-teens to open up and talk.
Establishing a special period of one-on-one time once or twice a week that you spend with your boys, where you’re providing undivided attention would yield you fantastic future reliefs.
Just make sure that you are not using the time for work or texting friends.
In doing this, you’re not only improving your relationship but you’re also teaching interpersonal skills that are going to be crucial in the future. That quality time is key, and it’s something that we might overlook. This is because our kids might be saying they don’t want it and be pulling away.
We might unintentionally collude with that tendency.
- Don’t Overreact
Don’t be a mom or dad who, in a bad situation, makes things worse by overreacting.
Take, for example, your son comes in crying, he wasn’t invited to a classmate birthday party. He sees a photo of it on Instagram or Snapchat.
The parent says, ‘Oh my God, I can’t believe you weren’t invited! That’s horrible! I’m going to call the mother.’”
The crazy parent amplifies the drama, throwing fuel on the pre-adolescent’s already hyper-reactive flame.
They make their kids more upset.
Hence, don’t be “clueless” either.
At the other extreme, don’t be a parent who “just ignores stuff,”
You risk seeming oblivious or unconcerned to kids.
When a teenager is caught hosting a party with alcohol, the clueless parent might say: “‘Oh, that’s just kids getting drunk at a graduation party.’
So kids watch their older siblings getting away with everything without consequences, and they think: ‘Great, why would I tell them anything? Why would I turn to them?’”
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- Don’t Be Judgemental
Don’t be overly judgmental.
At this age, your children are watching you very astutely to hear how judgmental you are.
They are taking their cues on how you talk about other people’s children, especially children that get into trouble.
How does that girl dress? or does that boy has good manners or bad manners?
They are watching and deciding whether you are harsh or critical or judgmental.
- Nurture Their Emotional Side
You need to nurture your boy’s emotional side.
One of the really hard things for boys at this age is that the messages from the culture about their capacity for love, real friendships, and relationships are so harmful to them.
They say that anything to do with real feelings — love, sadness, vulnerability — is girly, therefore bad.
At the very least, parents should do everything they can to encourage boys to be sensitive and vulnerable at home while at the same time acknowledging the reality that those traits might not go over well at school.
“You can explain, “that at 15 or 16 when he wants to have a girlfriend, this is going to serve him well.”
Finding just the right balance with your teen boy probably won’t be the easiest parenting job you’ve ever had.
It will take some trial and error, but keeping the channels of communication open during these years is well worth the work you’ll have to put in.
If you develop trust with pre-teens you can offer them a safe place to come back to, no matter what happens in the new world they’re inhabiting.
By doing that, you’ll also be setting the stage for smoother adolescence.
- Come Down To His Level
Watch what they watch with them.
Beginning in middle school, watching the stuff that your child wants to watch with him, and being able to laugh at it.
Talking about it is an important way of connecting and discussing the subjects that would otherwise be taboo.
Don’t get too intense in how you critique the values.
It’s our job as parents, to help both boys and girls recognise how the media instils the gender code.
The barrage of cultural messages that tell kids what it “means” to be a boy, and to help them identify when something crosses the line from teasing to mean but tread lightly and use humour.
- Don’t Be Afraid To Start The Difficult Conversations
Don’t be afraid to start conversations about sex and drugs.
The unfortunate reality is that kids are starting to experiment with drugs and alcohol as early as 9 or 10.
Sexual development is a big part of this age, and it’s when we first start to see eating disorders arise.
So, these are key years for us to be building a strong foundation and give them developmentally appropriate information.
I suggest providing your tween with information and resources on sexuality without the pressure of a big “talk.”
If puberty has made its awkward entrance into your son’s life then you might be wondering where to look for straightforward answers to some of the toughest questions.
Your explanation and adolescent books will give your kid the facts to navigate the choppy waters of teenhood.
Puberty can be a sensitive topic, especially for young boys and girls who are starting to see changes in their bodies.
Help your son to feel comfortable and confident with the changes he’s experiencing by reading and discussing a few of these top books about puberty.
This will help your son or daughter feel better equipped to handle the coming years.
- Try The Indirect Approach
Kindly try the indirect approach, very important.
When they were younger you could afford to ask direct questions – How was school? How did you do on the test?
Now, the direct approach and carpet-bombing them with questions about school and their day, among others don’t work.
Suddenly that feels overwhelming and intrusive and it’s going to backfire.
If anything, you have to take the opposite approach and position yourself as mostly just a listener:
“If you actually just sit down, without questions, and just listen, you’re more likely to get the information about your child’s life that you’re wanting.”
This approach gives kids the message that “this is a place where they can come and talk, and they have permission to say anything that they’re thinking or feeling.”
Sometimes you’ll be able to help and give advice but don’t try to step in and solve all their problems.
Other times you’ll just be there to empathise with how hard it is to deal with whatever they’re going through.
I wish you a good life.
Thank you.
